What the World Cup can teach you about choosing a life-partner

Here are 6 key questions that I encourage you ask when considering whether someone would be a good life-partner / team mate. And yes, I’m shamelessly tapping into all things World Cup.

1. Do we have compatible goals or objectives? – Definitely the very first question you should ask. Marrying someone who doesn’t have compatible life-vision or goals is like running onto a football pitch with one of you looking forward to  winning the World Cup,

 

 

 

 

 

while the other is looking to be crowned grass tiddlywinks champion.

You’re both on the same pitch but with wildly different expectations and objectives. One of you is going to have to give up their dream or life-vision, and whichever one does, will spend the rest of their lives frustrated and unfulfilled at best, bitter and angry at worst, and it won’t be long before they walk off the pitch.

2. Are we secure in each others gifting and calling? Being good team mates means you can appreciate the skills, gifting and calling that God has placed on the other person. You appreciate that Beckham can bend it better than you and let him get on and do what he does best. Someone who is secure in your gifting will do all they can to build you up, encourage you to press on in your calling and support you in whatever way is reasonably possible. If they are insecure then they will respond by hindering your opportunities to fulfil your calling, and regularly put you down so you lose your confidence in what God has called you to do. You do not want to be married to Mr or Mrs Insecure. You often hear about the Proverbs 31 woman or wife, but actually Proverbs 31 also tells you a lot her husband. He was happy for his wife to have her own property, run her own business, have her own ministry to the poor and oversee the affairs of the house. He was secure in her abilities and gifting and gave her the space to fulfil that.

3. Do we complement each others strengths and weaknesses?  It’s fair to say that a team of goalkeepers isn’t going to win the World Cup.

Any good team has the perfect blend of skills and competencies that complement. Differences in personality can often be the cause of tension and frustration. However, see it as a positive because essentially it means you are complementing each other and going to be a successful team. Priscilla is excellent at planning and organisation, while I’m more chilled out and spontaneous. She’s spurred me on to be better at planning and I help her chillax a bit more. Complementary strengths also really help with parenting well as a team.

4. Do we encourage one another regularly? You will notice that the teams that do well in the World Cup are the ones that are constantly encouraging each other. And at the risk of stating the obvious, teams that do badly are the ones that start complaining about every little mistake or slip-up. A pat on the back (figuratively), a thank you, a card, a small gift, a loving word. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is doing this regularly then you know you will be good teammates. If you want to read about a couple that encouraged one another to the extreme you just have to read the Song of Songs!

5. How do we respond when the other is having a tough time? You are trapped near your corner, 2 of the opposition surrounding you and you’re struggling to clear the ball. Do you want someone shouting instructions from the other side of the pitch or do you want someone who will run up, come along side you and help you out of a tricky situation?  Life will always have its tough times and you want someone and you want to be someone who will give support, not just instructions. For example of someone who provided loving and practical support in a tough time rather than just shouting instructions, look at how Boaz responded to Ruth in her time of need.

6. Do we enjoy spending fun/rest-time together? The effectiveness of a team on the pitch will be significantly impacted by their ability to have fun together off the pitch. The same is true in marriage. Don’t marry a workmate. You read about couples who divorce after the kids leave home – they’ve been good workmates but now that their ‘work’ is ‘done’ they have no more reason to be together. Make sure you prioritise and enjoy fun and rest-time together. While you are dating, you might find it is ALL fun-time together. But be warned – drunk in love, you might be willing to spend 3 hours on a Thursday evening doing crochet,

but you need to make sure you have a fun/rest activity that you both enjoy doing – and until you’re married, sex isn’t one of them! If you don’t have a common activity then chances are you won’t be good team mates, and unlike my friends Andy and George who went to the extreme and bought a tandem bike, you’ll find that your fun/rest activities actually take you away from each other and will weaken you as a team.

I’m not suggesting that you only look for a world-cup winning team mate. Every team mate and team takes time to grow, be strengthened, learn from one another and so on. However, if you aren’t married and you are answering ‘no’ to most of these questions, it is time to strongly re-evaluate if that person is a good decision.

If you are married and you are answering ‘no’ to most of these questions, don’t run off the pitch. Do all you can to work hard on making sure the answers are ‘yes’. Even question 1, through prayer and loving discussion can be brought to a place of compatible life-vision.

Finally, in all these things, seek God and pray for clarity.

Choosing a Team Mate – Goals/Objectives/Life-Vision

The first question to ask yourself when looking for a good team mate to do life with, is this:

Do we have compatible goals or objectives? 

Every team will only work well if, funny enough, they have compatible objectives. They don’t need to be identical, just compatible. So if the person you fancy wants to be a missionary in Burkino Faso and you want to work in the City, you are highly unlikely to be a good team. Marrying someone who doesn’t have the same life-vision is like getting on a sail boat, with one of you wanting to travel round the world,

while the other is super-excited about anchoring 100 metres off shore and sunbathing and swimming with Dolphins. You’re on the same boat but you have wildly different expectations!

The danger is that often, while in the throes of love, one person gives up their dream of sunbathing and swimming with Dolphins, in order to keep the other happy by being sea-sick as they go round the world, or vice-versa. Giving up your dreams for the sake of love and marriage may be  a very romantic notion but unfortunately will mean that in a few years time the person who gave up their dreams is frustrated and unfulfilled at best, but more likely angry and bitter towards their partner, while the partner keeps asking “Why don’t you support me? Why can’t you be happy for me? What do you mean you want to leave? I though we were in this together!?”

Whatever you do, marry someone with whom you have a compatible life-vision, goals or objectives. Early on, talk about what you each want to achieve in life. You might not have a specific idea but we all have a rough idea of what God might have called us to do or what we think we should do. Be honest and open and if your life-visions aren’t compatible make the hard decision and move on. It will save both of you (and possibly your children) considerable heartache later on.

I remember reading the story of Jim and Elisabeth Elliot (missionaries to Ecuador where Jim and a few others were killed). Jim and Elisabeth fancied each other for a number of years but she felt called to Africa and he felt called to South America. Elisabeth says:

“When he (Jim) came along and confessed to me that he was in love with me, he followed that immediately with saying, ‘I’m not asking you to marry me. You go ahead and go to Africa and I’ll go to South America, and if God wants to bring us together, God knows how to do it.’

“I thought I was going to Africa, but in various ways, God indicated that it was South America. And so, we waited 5 ½ years for each other.” (source)

They both loved each other, ticked all the right boxes, except one felt called to Africa and the other to South America. If Elisabeth had allowed herself to go to Ecuador simply because she was in love with Jim and without God re-aligning her sense of calling, I would argue that her response to her husbands death would have been very different – filled with bitterness and anger rather than the incredible grace we read about.

So the first question to ask when looking for a team mate – do you have the same general goals and objectives in life. If you do, you’re off to a good start!

 

Soul Mate vs Team Mate

At the end of my response, to this article that my friend posted on Facebook, I mentioned that when looking for a spouse, you might be better off looking for a Team Mate rather than a ‘soul mate’

A team mate? Really? Sounds oh-so-romantic. On bended knee, ring in hand ‘Jenny, will you be my team mate?’ I don’t suggest you do that, but here’s why I think looking for a team mate rather than a so-called soul mate is a good idea.

Life is hard and married life is even harder, and married life with kids is harder still (though it is all also a lot of fun). You need a team mate who can stand with you, support you, work together with you, lead you, push you, encourage you, challenge you, listen to you, work through failures with you, celebrate victories with you, stand up for you, grow with you, work towards the same goals with you…. you’re getting the picture I hope!

You have to work at life together. For that you need a good team mate.

In the following few posts we will look at what questions you might ask when you start dating or thinking of getting married to see if you and the person you are planning on marrying will actually be good team mates or not.

Do you have a soul mate?

 

A little while ago, a friend of mine posted this link on Facebook which was essentially a check list to see if the person you are dating is your soul-mate.

My friend asked for my thoughts on the article and here is what I wrote:

Firstly, she (the blog author) assumes that there is such a thing as a ‘soul mate’. Is there even a vague hint of such a concept in Scripture? Was Rebekah Isaac’s soul mate based on this test? “Rebekah is definitely irreplaceable because she watered my camels” or “Isaac is my soul mate because he will never look at other girls. In fact, he’s never even looked at me!” Ruth and Boaz would they have ticked all these boxes? “I feel like I am irreplaceable because who else is going to keep the bottom of Boaz’ bed warm?” Thinking of examples in Scripture already hints that this is a cultural concept and not particularly Biblical. Of course, I’m not suggesting watering camels is the only way to find a partner!

Secondly, is it healthy to propagate this concept of ‘soul mate’? Isn’t it hard enough just finding SOMEONE to marry let alone our ‘soul mate’? What about if you get married and THEN find your ‘soul mate’ based on this test? What if, God forbid, your ’soul mate’ dies early on in your marriage? Do you have another soul mate you could marry? If so, how many soul mates does one person have?!

Thirdly, she doesn’t even mention prayer as a ‘test’ to see if this person is the partner that God has planned for you.

Without going into all her points individually,  other than 6 (compatible life-vision) and 8 (can I fulfil my dreams with you, which essentially is point 6), all her points are all about feeling. e.g. Do i feel comfortable enough with you to be myself, do i feel appreciated, do i feel irreplaceable, do I feel an effortless level of connection. The danger with this list is that you might find that the person ticks 8 out of 10, however they don’t tick points 6 & 8, in which case you’re making a huge mistake.

Girls or boys of any age, don’t listen to any of this nonsense. It’s dangerous and will make you question all marriage prospects, make you panic and worse still, when your marriage with your so-called ‘soul mate’ doesn’t match up to what this article suggest i.e. ‘ooh… our life will be soooo blessed we will never argue, our connection will always be effortless, my partner will NEVER EVER even glance at another woman/man, my partner will just always understand and appreciate me’. When one of those things is proved to be false you will question whether this person is truly your ‘soul mate’. If they aren’t, should you ‘waste’ the rest of your life with them while your true soul mate is still out there??

The only redeeming factor is points 6 and 8. Marry someone who has a compatible life-plan and therefore with whom you will be able to achieve your God-given dreams.

If you marry someone because they ‘feel’ like they are your soul mate, you could find yourself with a cell-mate, and I mean trapped in a prison, not a spiritual home group!

I will finish with this – I believe (based on Scripture) that there is one perfect person for you to marry i.e. the person that God intended for you to marry.   HOWEVER, if you treat the ‘wrong’ person the right way they will become the right person. And if you treat the right person the wrong way, they will become the wrong person.

May I suggest, and I will develop this in a later post that instead of searching for a soul-mate, you search for a team-mate. It’s not so romantic but much more realistic and relevant.